meagan sample.

photo by: melanie king. i think.

This is the infamous Meagan Sample and she is fucking amazing. We don't necessarily hang out or talk all the time, but I consider her to be one of my good friends. This is one of my favorite pictures of her because I feel like it's the Meagan that not many people around Utica know. She's a paid model and she is an incredible photographer. Notice how I called her a photographer not a person who takes pictures or whatever. She puts everything into her work which is something the no one around here does. I have a shit load of respect for this bitch. I absolutely love her stuff. She's got a good natural eye and her own sense of photographic style. Plus, she's another one who won't hesitate to put someone in there place, another reason why we get along. More on my girl later...

tightrope.

esao andrews.

There's something wrong. All of the sudden I feel like every decision I make is life or death. Everything is putting pressure on me. I need to figure something out before I completely loose it again. Being constantly burned by people in the past has d e s t r o y e d me. I can't trust anything and this whole lack of confidence thing is starting to get in the way. I wish I could stop second guessing myself. I know I'm an awesome person, through and through. I've done nothing in the past two years but put myself on the line for people, hoping that all my good karma will one day catch up to me. Even if it doesn't I don't give a fuck because at the end of everything I know where my heart is. I also know I'm an amazing photographer. Everyday someone brings my work up or asks me to shoot. I turn most of it down. I'm not going to go around and shoot whatever I can throw in front of my lens like some people with cameras (I REFUSE TO CALL THEM PHOTOGRAPHERS) do daily. I don't have the time for that bullshit. I can get paid doing what I do, why would I waste my talent so you can have a new facebook default? I would love know to know when being a photographer became the new fad. Fuck you and you shit pictures. YOU SHOOT AUTOMATIC. I'd really love to take that camera that you do nothing but aim and fire with and shove it down your fucking faces. I've been doing an okay job of keeping my mouth shut for now. It's really difficult when one of your favorite pass times is verbally ripping people new assholes. God, I wish I could borrow just half of the cockiness of some of these clowns.

DIY.

[ selfportrait. ]

Today I decided I'd shoot myself. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I'm not talking about the do it yourself thing. I'm talking about the putting myself out there part. I am not comfortable in my own skin anymore. I haven't felt pretty since last July. I've finally found my way back to being sammaversa., but I'm not 100% there yet. I've become insanely insecure. In the past year I've become more unsure of myself than I ever thought possible. Deep down I know who I am and what I'm capable of. I have no confidence in my work or myself. I know I'm good. I know I'm better than good, yet I can't take a fucking compliment to save my life. Being constantly surrounded by such toxic people last year has really brought me down. My confidence is slowly, very slowly, resurfacing though. This time around I have Mike along with a solid group of people to just be with. It's amazing how much healthier and real you feel when you don't find yourself constantly getting compared to something or someone. They support me and encourage me daily, not just in photography but with most everything. I wouldn't have the courage to go all in this time around if it wasn't for them, especially Mike. He deals with me at my worst. It doesn't even phase him. He's straight forward and snaps me back to reality. Tonight I told him I want take his pictures next. I wonder if he realizes how big of a deal that is for me. I neverwanted to take pictures of my boyfriend before. That speaks volumes.

On a lighter note: I forgot to edit the bike that hangs from my ceiling out of the fuckin' corner. Dumbass.

the break is over.

[ renee. ]





Seven months ago I told myself that I needed to step away from photography. I wasn't enjoying it anymore. Granted at that point in my life I wasn't enjoying much of anything, but this post isn't about that. Now that I'm back in school I need to end the hiatus. I can't graduate unless I take pictures, so duh, I'm back behind the camera. This time it's different. I'm more passionate about it. I want to produce all sorts of work. The truth however, is that I'm terrified. What if it's all for nothing? What the fuck do I do after? What if no one gets it? What if everyone gets it and judges me? This time I'm all in. That's something I wasn't willing to do before. I got rid of the bullshit that was cluttering my life and now I'm ready. As scared as I am, I'm ready.