this is the first song for your mixed tape

and it's short just like your temper.

I'm not over it.

year of the dragon.

for the first time in a long time, i feel myself again. i refuse to put my feelings on the back burner or take shit from people i don't even respect. i'm stronger now and one day i'll be invincible again.

ghosts.

I've completely lost all sight of anything.

tony.

I am NOT religious, but PLEASE pray for my friend Tony Thompson.

charlie is dead.

I was named after my grandfather, Sam Aversa. Yes, my name is technically Samantha, but it doesn't suit me at all. Do not call me Sammy. Sammy makes me l i v i d. I cringe whenever I hear it. It's not because I think it's cutesy or whatever. The only people to ever consistently call me that were my father, whom I will never speak a word to again, and the cunt that was the catalyst in breaking up my family. I go by Samm, with 2 m's. Why? There's no real reason other than I think it's aesthetically pleasing.

Who the fuck is Stella Kelly?!!

I was working the cafe one day and something possessed me to read the obituaries. There she was, Stella Kelly (RIP). I had never met her nor do I have any idea who she was. I instantly decided that was the coolest name I had ever heard. I was named after my grandfather, Sam Aversa. He was born on October 22nd. Stella Kelly was born on October 22nd. Weird, right? The name stuck in my head for a while.

My life has been fairly inconsistent for the past 12 months. I don't feel like sammaversa. anymore. Maybe that's a good thing and maybe it will make me grow up. All my friends have moved and I'm just anchored in Utica. Everyday that passes, the less at home I feel. No one even calls me Charlie, which has been the only nickname to ever stick to me. So, one day I decided to change my Facebook name to Stella Kelly, for numerous not entirely valid reasons. I guess Stella Kelly is what I'll hide behind for now.

the dizziness of freedom.

As I sit in the lobby of Farmingdale/MVCC 2.0, I can't help but wonder if I made the right decisions in life. I'm proud of the fact that I moved out at 18 and have continued to stand on my own two feet with basically no help from my family. I like the fact that I get called an activist, however I can't seem to figure out how to motivate myself as of late. I like the fact that I have complete freedom and can do whatever the fuck I want whenever the fuck I want. I just wish I knew what the fuck I was doing. I'm 22 years old in a city with a dying pulse. I have yet to get my associates from a college that might as well hand out color by numbers as final exams. The truth is I could have graduated in 2 years. I was too busy living my life to prepare for my life. I'm confident in my ability to survive. I don't think I'm a failure. I don't think I was supposed to follow the status quot. I think I was destined to go out and create my future. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I need to leave my beloved 315 wasteland. Is leaving this city a forfeiting the game?

re-edits.

a s h l e y.

meagan sample.

photo by: melanie king. i think.

This is the infamous Meagan Sample and she is fucking amazing. We don't necessarily hang out or talk all the time, but I consider her to be one of my good friends. This is one of my favorite pictures of her because I feel like it's the Meagan that not many people around Utica know. She's a paid model and she is an incredible photographer. Notice how I called her a photographer not a person who takes pictures or whatever. She puts everything into her work which is something the no one around here does. I have a shit load of respect for this bitch. I absolutely love her stuff. She's got a good natural eye and her own sense of photographic style. Plus, she's another one who won't hesitate to put someone in there place, another reason why we get along. More on my girl later...

tightrope.

esao andrews.

There's something wrong. All of the sudden I feel like every decision I make is life or death. Everything is putting pressure on me. I need to figure something out before I completely loose it again. Being constantly burned by people in the past has d e s t r o y e d me. I can't trust anything and this whole lack of confidence thing is starting to get in the way. I wish I could stop second guessing myself. I know I'm an awesome person, through and through. I've done nothing in the past two years but put myself on the line for people, hoping that all my good karma will one day catch up to me. Even if it doesn't I don't give a fuck because at the end of everything I know where my heart is. I also know I'm an amazing photographer. Everyday someone brings my work up or asks me to shoot. I turn most of it down. I'm not going to go around and shoot whatever I can throw in front of my lens like some people with cameras (I REFUSE TO CALL THEM PHOTOGRAPHERS) do daily. I don't have the time for that bullshit. I can get paid doing what I do, why would I waste my talent so you can have a new facebook default? I would love know to know when being a photographer became the new fad. Fuck you and you shit pictures. YOU SHOOT AUTOMATIC. I'd really love to take that camera that you do nothing but aim and fire with and shove it down your fucking faces. I've been doing an okay job of keeping my mouth shut for now. It's really difficult when one of your favorite pass times is verbally ripping people new assholes. God, I wish I could borrow just half of the cockiness of some of these clowns.

DIY.

[ selfportrait. ]

Today I decided I'd shoot myself. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I'm not talking about the do it yourself thing. I'm talking about the putting myself out there part. I am not comfortable in my own skin anymore. I haven't felt pretty since last July. I've finally found my way back to being sammaversa., but I'm not 100% there yet. I've become insanely insecure. In the past year I've become more unsure of myself than I ever thought possible. Deep down I know who I am and what I'm capable of. I have no confidence in my work or myself. I know I'm good. I know I'm better than good, yet I can't take a fucking compliment to save my life. Being constantly surrounded by such toxic people last year has really brought me down. My confidence is slowly, very slowly, resurfacing though. This time around I have Mike along with a solid group of people to just be with. It's amazing how much healthier and real you feel when you don't find yourself constantly getting compared to something or someone. They support me and encourage me daily, not just in photography but with most everything. I wouldn't have the courage to go all in this time around if it wasn't for them, especially Mike. He deals with me at my worst. It doesn't even phase him. He's straight forward and snaps me back to reality. Tonight I told him I want take his pictures next. I wonder if he realizes how big of a deal that is for me. I neverwanted to take pictures of my boyfriend before. That speaks volumes.

On a lighter note: I forgot to edit the bike that hangs from my ceiling out of the fuckin' corner. Dumbass.

the break is over.

[ renee. ]





Seven months ago I told myself that I needed to step away from photography. I wasn't enjoying it anymore. Granted at that point in my life I wasn't enjoying much of anything, but this post isn't about that. Now that I'm back in school I need to end the hiatus. I can't graduate unless I take pictures, so duh, I'm back behind the camera. This time it's different. I'm more passionate about it. I want to produce all sorts of work. The truth however, is that I'm terrified. What if it's all for nothing? What the fuck do I do after? What if no one gets it? What if everyone gets it and judges me? This time I'm all in. That's something I wasn't willing to do before. I got rid of the bullshit that was cluttering my life and now I'm ready. As scared as I am, I'm ready.